~THE REAL MEANING OF DISORIENTED~

My mother didn't phone me today, fortunately the alarm clock and my handphone were loud enough to get me up. Didn't took my morning bath today, as I was not used to it anyway. Brushed my teeth, and prepared everything before going for my Maths class as written in the timetable given to me by the office clerk last time. So I arrived there, and waited for my group members to come - I got a lot of things to ask and confirm. But then, after all of the students came in, they were no where to be seen. Again, I was all alone, sitting at the side of the classroom. Gosh, I had a lot of questions to ask them, but they didn't came! I was saddened for a moment... My maths lecturer was Nor Liana, my first impression of her... she was a blur-case. She started teaching about the basics, like simultaneous equations, binary numbers, change of bases... Man, I activated my ''knowledge absorption'' mode ( its something like a switch in my mind, when I really want to study, I flip it on, and my mind can learn more things in a moe concentrated focus) and I expected to learn advanced things like add maths at least, but she taught basic Form 4-5 Maths! Wasted my mode completely. I walked to the front to hand-in my MC and introduced myself as a new student there. She came to me later, and asked if I got the maths book already. I showed him a thin book that my Physics lecturer gave me yesterday, and she said,''no, not that one, theres a much thicker one,'' She grabbed a book at the table in front of me, and indeed it had a whoooping 150 page there. But the thing were quite basic actually, and I didn't think that I would have any problems during the Friday test for Maths. Still, I planned to revise a bit on Maths tomorrow, and before she went on to the next student behind me, she mentioned something about Module Guide thing... She didn't describe it much, but she told me she didn't have a copy of it at her office and informed me to consult the Class Representative there, two Chinese guys there. I planned on asking the Malay lady there, but conditions didn't allow me to. When the class was dismissed, she went out before I could talk to her. And so, I asked the person in front of me. He was a married person, and I guessed his age was around 40-50 years olf already. I hoped that he could lend me a hand, but when I asked about the module guide for maths, he said that there was only a big book known as AM 1101... So I went on and asked the Class Representative outside the room. He asked me what module guide is that? Is it something that talks about how many percentage and stuffs? Of course, all I could say was,'' I'm not sure, but the lecturer told me to ask you about it... I have no idea about the contents of it, though...'' I thanked him, but sure he didn't help at all. While I walked back to my hostel, he was with his friends behind me, and one of his friends asked him,'' whats the reason he(me) find you?'' He replied in a much joking tone, '' He said he wanted to find some 'module guide' wor...'' and laughed a bit. Is it so funny that it deserves a laugh? I don't know, but guess the people in this college don't like to help others. They expect a newcomer like me to know everything that I am supposed to know. Fine, I remained silent and got back to the hostel room.

I didn't know if I was so tired that I dozed off. I woke up randomly, to check the clock. First time, it was just 1 pm, and I continued sleeping; second time it was 1.30pm, I slept again; third time it was around 2 pm, and I thought I could rest a while until its 2.30 pm, then I would prepare myself for the class. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up later, and when I opened my eyes, its already 2.50 pm! I packed everything in a rush, and dashed to the resource centre after locking my room. By the time I reached there, it was only 2.53 pm, but there were another class being held at the room I was supposed to be in. A while later, their class was dismissed, and the room R403 was empty. I looked around to see if I could find any other coursemates , but none was found. I thought, did the timetable change? Yesterday, I heard about something like some class would be held at the room H214, so I dashed to the building and searched for the room, but the result was the same - there was nobody home. I panicked if I was at the wrong place, and worried about missing the class. I went to the resource centre, sweating like hell, and went up the stairs to the 4th floor again. There was still empty, and I leaned against the wall and checked for the time. It was already, 3 pm.. Gosh, just as I was about to head back to my hostel, I saw my Physics Lecturer and I was supposed to have her class now. I quickly asked about the class I should be in, but she said that there was no class this evening! Oh man, and she showed me the annoyed look again as she did yesterday. She shook her head , and checked my timetable with me. Before she left for her current class, I asked her the last question, '' This thursday morning got class?'' and she said,'' No'' again. So indeed the timetable had changed. After regaining my strength from all these dashing and worrying, I went down to the notice board and scanned the whole timetable but I couldn't see the timetable for my course. Then I proceeded to the office and asked for the latest time table for my course. But then they said that there was no any updates for the timetable issued, and asked me whether I was a new student. Before that, they talked to each other with a rather frustrated look, with a bit of suspicion. I answered,'nvm, thanks'' and went out to the notice board again. This time, I scanned the whole time table again, and finally found it at the lower left corner. Man, it was so small!! I quickly wrote it down, and compared it with my current time table. Jeezs, it has so many unsimilarities... I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, while I walked back to my hostel room.

I was totally disoriented for these two days in college. Everything was not going according to my senses, and things that I thought will happen didn't happen at all.(I am a person who has everything planned in my head, so when everything goes according to the plan, I feel secured and safe, and able to stay calm. When things start to go out of plan, or simply against my expectations, I become disoriented, worried, panicked and stressed) I went to the photocopy shop, as the maths lecturer told me to get my book there, but it was closed. I was concerned with so many things that I didn't know what to do at that moment. The test on Thursday and Friday, the Maths book that I was supposed to get was not in my possession, the lab attire that I should be wearing during the Thursday experiment was not in my cupboard... I haven't find the taylor or the program-coordinator that I was supposed to find, I didn't get the physics slide that my Physics lecturer told me to photocopy it from my friends... I didn't get the Module guide either, that the maths lecturer said was very important... Feeling so lost, I lost my strength to stand, and I collapsed onto my bed, lying on it motionlessly. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Perhaps I hadn't cry for a long time, so its harder for me to cry now. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but they just couldn't come out. After trying to calm myself down for 40 minutes, I got my phone and SMS-ed my mother, telling her how lost I was... I sent a total of three messages to her, and later she called me to ask about my condition. At first, my voice was pretty calm, but then as I talked about the situation, I couldn't suppress my emotions anymore, and I bursted into tears. I sobbed very loudly and I guess my mother could hear it too... At that moment, I cursed myself for being so useless in the depths of my heart. 'How can you be so useless?!" my heart screamed at my head. She tried to use a calm tone to talk, and suggested that she coud come over to help me settle things up. But then I told her that theres no point for her to come over, because I dont think she could help me out in any way. She told me to find my lecturer and ask clearly what should I do... And I said I will try... My sister phoned me later, maybe becoz my mother called her and said that I'm lost. So she told me that the photocopy shop was open all the time, and told me to walk to the spot she told me. I took a while to calm down and stop crying, with my mind telling my heart to calm down, calm down, calm down... I went out after I completely stopped crying. And finally I discovered the place, and asked for my maths module. Got it finally, at least I settled one thing. I headed to my physic lecturer later, and asked her whether she could speak Chinese anot, because it will be far easier for me to explain everything in Chinese. She nodded, and I asked her about the lab attire thingy on thursday. Her expression was half-confused and half- laughing, perhaps laughing at me being so ridiculously lost. She said that at Physics experiment this semester, we could just wear casual clothings into the lab to conduct experiments, and she continued that the attire should be worn at the following semesters where ther are workshops and stuff... I was very happy at the moment she said it, because I don't have to go through all the trouble, finding the program-coordinator again, and getting myself to the taylor, and stuff... So another thing done. I thanked her and walked out. Crap! I forgot to ask her about the exam scopes, the slides, and the assignment format that she wanted ... I walked back to her office again, a bit embarassed and guilty because I was bothering her so much, and I knew that she was quite annoyed by me already. I looked towards her seat, but she was not there. Haihz, I waited for a moment and walked out later, but before I took the turn to the stairs, she walked out from a room, probably the washroom. I quickly stopped her and asked again, this time with a few students around. I spoke to her in Chinese, and she mentioned me to talk in English because there was other students around... I asked her about the slides which I didn't get from my group members yet, and she told one of the students to help me out. I quickly realised that the people there were actually my coursemates, and one of them lent me his copy of the slides... I thanked the lecturer again, and clung to the student who lent me.( here i don't mean literally, but instead manipulated my chance to ask questions, and asked him about things) So, got his phone number, the slides, and his name. Went back to the photocopy shop, and got myself a copy of it.

I called him so that I could return the slides to him, and he said that he was at the cafe. Cafe, I thought was the Starbakers place, and so I took my first step into the place to look for him, but he was no where to be found. As I walked to the canteen, I heard someone calling me. It was him, standing far from me. I walked to him and returned the stuff, and asked again for the maths module guide thing. He replied that there were only two things, one was the thick module, and another one was the thin, virtually useless book. Ic... so everything was the management's fault. that prog-coordinator told me the wrong info about the taylor, and that goddam maths lecturer told me to get something that don't exist in this world! Felt like giving them a slap , but I was overcame by my happiness at the moment. I returned to hostel happily, and wrote this post to record my emotion today. (Written at 6 pm)

I went to the canteen alone, without inviting my sister to dine together. I thought she wanted to be with her friends instead of me. I ordered Wan Tan Mee again, this time with more side ingredients. It was quite tasty and large. While I was eating, she came. Sat with me, and I asked whether she was waiting for her friends, and she nodded. I talked briefly about today, neglecting most of the important issues, but I did tell her that I got my books already. Finished eating, and returned to the hostel again. Guess the night should be something trivial compared to the events that happened to me today, so I won't be writing it unless something postworthy happened during the night.

Oh before I forget, I want to say... I MISS MY PIANO!!