~THE REAL MEANING OF DISORIENTED~

My mother didn't phone me today, fortunately the alarm clock and my handphone were loud enough to get me up. Didn't took my morning bath today, as I was not used to it anyway. Brushed my teeth, and prepared everything before going for my Maths class as written in the timetable given to me by the office clerk last time. So I arrived there, and waited for my group members to come - I got a lot of things to ask and confirm. But then, after all of the students came in, they were no where to be seen. Again, I was all alone, sitting at the side of the classroom. Gosh, I had a lot of questions to ask them, but they didn't came! I was saddened for a moment... My maths lecturer was Nor Liana, my first impression of her... she was a blur-case. She started teaching about the basics, like simultaneous equations, binary numbers, change of bases... Man, I activated my ''knowledge absorption'' mode ( its something like a switch in my mind, when I really want to study, I flip it on, and my mind can learn more things in a moe concentrated focus) and I expected to learn advanced things like add maths at least, but she taught basic Form 4-5 Maths! Wasted my mode completely. I walked to the front to hand-in my MC and introduced myself as a new student there. She came to me later, and asked if I got the maths book already. I showed him a thin book that my Physics lecturer gave me yesterday, and she said,''no, not that one, theres a much thicker one,'' She grabbed a book at the table in front of me, and indeed it had a whoooping 150 page there. But the thing were quite basic actually, and I didn't think that I would have any problems during the Friday test for Maths. Still, I planned to revise a bit on Maths tomorrow, and before she went on to the next student behind me, she mentioned something about Module Guide thing... She didn't describe it much, but she told me she didn't have a copy of it at her office and informed me to consult the Class Representative there, two Chinese guys there. I planned on asking the Malay lady there, but conditions didn't allow me to. When the class was dismissed, she went out before I could talk to her. And so, I asked the person in front of me. He was a married person, and I guessed his age was around 40-50 years olf already. I hoped that he could lend me a hand, but when I asked about the module guide for maths, he said that there was only a big book known as AM 1101... So I went on and asked the Class Representative outside the room. He asked me what module guide is that? Is it something that talks about how many percentage and stuffs? Of course, all I could say was,'' I'm not sure, but the lecturer told me to ask you about it... I have no idea about the contents of it, though...'' I thanked him, but sure he didn't help at all. While I walked back to my hostel, he was with his friends behind me, and one of his friends asked him,'' whats the reason he(me) find you?'' He replied in a much joking tone, '' He said he wanted to find some 'module guide' wor...'' and laughed a bit. Is it so funny that it deserves a laugh? I don't know, but guess the people in this college don't like to help others. They expect a newcomer like me to know everything that I am supposed to know. Fine, I remained silent and got back to the hostel room.

I didn't know if I was so tired that I dozed off. I woke up randomly, to check the clock. First time, it was just 1 pm, and I continued sleeping; second time it was 1.30pm, I slept again; third time it was around 2 pm, and I thought I could rest a while until its 2.30 pm, then I would prepare myself for the class. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up later, and when I opened my eyes, its already 2.50 pm! I packed everything in a rush, and dashed to the resource centre after locking my room. By the time I reached there, it was only 2.53 pm, but there were another class being held at the room I was supposed to be in. A while later, their class was dismissed, and the room R403 was empty. I looked around to see if I could find any other coursemates , but none was found. I thought, did the timetable change? Yesterday, I heard about something like some class would be held at the room H214, so I dashed to the building and searched for the room, but the result was the same - there was nobody home. I panicked if I was at the wrong place, and worried about missing the class. I went to the resource centre, sweating like hell, and went up the stairs to the 4th floor again. There was still empty, and I leaned against the wall and checked for the time. It was already, 3 pm.. Gosh, just as I was about to head back to my hostel, I saw my Physics Lecturer and I was supposed to have her class now. I quickly asked about the class I should be in, but she said that there was no class this evening! Oh man, and she showed me the annoyed look again as she did yesterday. She shook her head , and checked my timetable with me. Before she left for her current class, I asked her the last question, '' This thursday morning got class?'' and she said,'' No'' again. So indeed the timetable had changed. After regaining my strength from all these dashing and worrying, I went down to the notice board and scanned the whole timetable but I couldn't see the timetable for my course. Then I proceeded to the office and asked for the latest time table for my course. But then they said that there was no any updates for the timetable issued, and asked me whether I was a new student. Before that, they talked to each other with a rather frustrated look, with a bit of suspicion. I answered,'nvm, thanks'' and went out to the notice board again. This time, I scanned the whole time table again, and finally found it at the lower left corner. Man, it was so small!! I quickly wrote it down, and compared it with my current time table. Jeezs, it has so many unsimilarities... I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, while I walked back to my hostel room.

I was totally disoriented for these two days in college. Everything was not going according to my senses, and things that I thought will happen didn't happen at all.(I am a person who has everything planned in my head, so when everything goes according to the plan, I feel secured and safe, and able to stay calm. When things start to go out of plan, or simply against my expectations, I become disoriented, worried, panicked and stressed) I went to the photocopy shop, as the maths lecturer told me to get my book there, but it was closed. I was concerned with so many things that I didn't know what to do at that moment. The test on Thursday and Friday, the Maths book that I was supposed to get was not in my possession, the lab attire that I should be wearing during the Thursday experiment was not in my cupboard... I haven't find the taylor or the program-coordinator that I was supposed to find, I didn't get the physics slide that my Physics lecturer told me to photocopy it from my friends... I didn't get the Module guide either, that the maths lecturer said was very important... Feeling so lost, I lost my strength to stand, and I collapsed onto my bed, lying on it motionlessly. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Perhaps I hadn't cry for a long time, so its harder for me to cry now. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but they just couldn't come out. After trying to calm myself down for 40 minutes, I got my phone and SMS-ed my mother, telling her how lost I was... I sent a total of three messages to her, and later she called me to ask about my condition. At first, my voice was pretty calm, but then as I talked about the situation, I couldn't suppress my emotions anymore, and I bursted into tears. I sobbed very loudly and I guess my mother could hear it too... At that moment, I cursed myself for being so useless in the depths of my heart. 'How can you be so useless?!" my heart screamed at my head. She tried to use a calm tone to talk, and suggested that she coud come over to help me settle things up. But then I told her that theres no point for her to come over, because I dont think she could help me out in any way. She told me to find my lecturer and ask clearly what should I do... And I said I will try... My sister phoned me later, maybe becoz my mother called her and said that I'm lost. So she told me that the photocopy shop was open all the time, and told me to walk to the spot she told me. I took a while to calm down and stop crying, with my mind telling my heart to calm down, calm down, calm down... I went out after I completely stopped crying. And finally I discovered the place, and asked for my maths module. Got it finally, at least I settled one thing. I headed to my physic lecturer later, and asked her whether she could speak Chinese anot, because it will be far easier for me to explain everything in Chinese. She nodded, and I asked her about the lab attire thingy on thursday. Her expression was half-confused and half- laughing, perhaps laughing at me being so ridiculously lost. She said that at Physics experiment this semester, we could just wear casual clothings into the lab to conduct experiments, and she continued that the attire should be worn at the following semesters where ther are workshops and stuff... I was very happy at the moment she said it, because I don't have to go through all the trouble, finding the program-coordinator again, and getting myself to the taylor, and stuff... So another thing done. I thanked her and walked out. Crap! I forgot to ask her about the exam scopes, the slides, and the assignment format that she wanted ... I walked back to her office again, a bit embarassed and guilty because I was bothering her so much, and I knew that she was quite annoyed by me already. I looked towards her seat, but she was not there. Haihz, I waited for a moment and walked out later, but before I took the turn to the stairs, she walked out from a room, probably the washroom. I quickly stopped her and asked again, this time with a few students around. I spoke to her in Chinese, and she mentioned me to talk in English because there was other students around... I asked her about the slides which I didn't get from my group members yet, and she told one of the students to help me out. I quickly realised that the people there were actually my coursemates, and one of them lent me his copy of the slides... I thanked the lecturer again, and clung to the student who lent me.( here i don't mean literally, but instead manipulated my chance to ask questions, and asked him about things) So, got his phone number, the slides, and his name. Went back to the photocopy shop, and got myself a copy of it.

I called him so that I could return the slides to him, and he said that he was at the cafe. Cafe, I thought was the Starbakers place, and so I took my first step into the place to look for him, but he was no where to be found. As I walked to the canteen, I heard someone calling me. It was him, standing far from me. I walked to him and returned the stuff, and asked again for the maths module guide thing. He replied that there were only two things, one was the thick module, and another one was the thin, virtually useless book. Ic... so everything was the management's fault. that prog-coordinator told me the wrong info about the taylor, and that goddam maths lecturer told me to get something that don't exist in this world! Felt like giving them a slap , but I was overcame by my happiness at the moment. I returned to hostel happily, and wrote this post to record my emotion today. (Written at 6 pm)

I went to the canteen alone, without inviting my sister to dine together. I thought she wanted to be with her friends instead of me. I ordered Wan Tan Mee again, this time with more side ingredients. It was quite tasty and large. While I was eating, she came. Sat with me, and I asked whether she was waiting for her friends, and she nodded. I talked briefly about today, neglecting most of the important issues, but I did tell her that I got my books already. Finished eating, and returned to the hostel again. Guess the night should be something trivial compared to the events that happened to me today, so I won't be writing it unless something postworthy happened during the night.

Oh before I forget, I want to say... I MISS MY PIANO!!

~TROUBLED FIRST DAY IN COLLEGE~


It has been the second day I couldn't close my eyes properly on bed. It was the same time, in the middle of the noisy night. As I switched on the lights and sat down in front of my laptop, I wondered why this could happen. Perhaps it was due to the abrupt change of environment, I was not sure. But one thing was certain - the environment I was living in before had completely changed into something dreadful. Everytime I went to the toilet, I had to remind myself to lock the door and bring the key out. The bathroom was small compared to the one in my house. Even if I wanted to drink water, I had to pour it from the huge 5.5Litres bottle to the water bottle. If I wanted to drink carbonated drinks, I had to walk out and buy it from the vending machine. Everything turned very inconvenient suddenly, and I found myself hard to adapt into this brand new environment. Its certainly not a better environment than before, as those outlanders and good-for-nothing people of the low race gathered at the car park and the stairs, chatting and screaming names at their friends at different floors. Some even brought stereo system into their hostel and played songs so loud until the whole hostel block could hear it. Not only that, they didn't play the songs during the day, but at odd hours like 10.00p.m to 2.00 a.m in the morning. I wondered if they didn't have to attend classes and lectures.
A morning call from my mom woke me up from my fitful slumber at 6 a.m.. I quickly got myself up and answered her, but then I couldn't resist my brain asking me to give it more time to rest. I lied on my bed and remained half-conscious for around 2 hours. When the short clockhand pointed to eight, I finally got up and went for a morning bath. When everything was done, I walked to the Resource Centre to ask about my program-coordinator. I was pretty nervous because I was not good in speaking English, and I sat in front of the administration building trying to arrange my words so that I wouldn't sound so awkward when I talk to him. And so I consulted the receptionist at the admin building, and she indicated that my program-coordinator was at another building right beside that block. I walked over, and went to his office. Fortunately, he was there, and I explained myself about the reason that brought me there. It was actually an orange paper that the registration receptionist didn't take back that day. And according to the paper, it required me to see the person there to obtain his signature, and I gave him my MC and explained everything. He helped me to inform my Physics Lecturer through e-mail, and told me that I should see a taylor to make my lab attire, or so I guess. I thanked him before heading to the Resource Centre to sibmit the forms and my photos.
There, the receptionist grunted when I showed her the form. She said, '' See, that Peong last time, he kept the paper by himself but he said he had submitted the form... (mumbles a little, and settled things up for me)'' I didn't say a word, because I thought it was not my fault in any way. I thought every procedure of the registration had been settled by my mother who herself went there on the registration day. And the registration receptionist didn't tell us to see the program-coordinator and get signature from him. So, from all these, I thought everything was done. And later on, an anonymous person from the office phoned me while I was there sleeping peacefully on my hostel's bed. She asked if I had registered myself here at Nilai College, and I said of course, I was in the hostel already. And she continued, '' Have you paid for the course? Coz I don't have the records here yet.'' And I spoke with an irritated tone,'' Of course I had paid everything, and if you want I can show you the receipts. How come you say that I didn't pay at all while I settled everything today?'' And she said,'' okay okay, chill up... I'm just asking...'' Then I replied,'' Its not that I wanted to use this tone to speak, but things that concerns money, I think it should be clearly settled and confirmed to avoid any troubles in the future.'' I turned off the phone later.
Fine, I didn't want to explain so much, and I left the building after retrieving my Student ID card and submitting the photos for registration. I searched for the classroom I should be in, and walked up the stairs to the 4th floor. At first, I didn't see the room when I circled around the floor, but then later on, I saw a familiar guy that seemed to be my coursemate, so I walked closer to him and saw the door sign '' R403''. He was talking to a Malay girl, who also took the course. I followed them in, and sat at the third row of the table. In my heart, I thought that there was only a few people in my class? How fortunate, because I hated the crowd. But I was wrong. Later, a group of Chinese guys walked in, and one of them immediately recognised me as a new student around. I didn't care about him yet. More people came afterwards, most of them consisted of Indians, Outlanders, and black-skins. As the class grew larger, I became more nervous as I didn't know whether I need to introduce myself to the crowd anot. And I worried about the place I was sitting at was someone else's place. Fortunately, after everyone got in, no one asked me to leave my place. Slightly relieved, I waited for the lecturer, and she came a bit later than 10 a.m. Before that, that one person that recognised me started to talk to others and pointed to me, trying to make me getting eyed on and stuff. Jeez, was he so free to do such lame stuffs? I don't want to be in the limelight, and being looked at by others makes me uneasy. I wished to stay unnoticed, and hoped that everything would be smoothed over, over time. That fellow said hi to me in a rather teasing tone, with his two fingers up, and I guess he was trying to tease me. What expression should I give under such a condition? At last, I couldn't stand it anymore and spoke to him in Chinese, since he was a Chinese too,'' Hey, I'm new here, don't treat me like this.'' He couldn't hear my words clearly at first, but then the person in front of me talked to him what I meant, and he explained to the guy,'' I was only trying to say hi..'' I guess it was not his fault, its just that I was not the bright type that could befriend the crowd easily. Maybe he was unaware that my feelings would be hurt by his actions, but I didn't blame him for that. And he stopped pointing at me while asking others to look, as if I was from another planet or dimension. Everything went on, and the lecturer said that she had a meeting later, so the class would be dismissed earlier. She wrote eight questions down on the board, and based on my Physics knowledge, I know only 1 of those. Others were so new to me, and I was freaked off at an instance. Missing only two weeks of classes, and I don't understand a single thing there already. How am I going to cope with the studies later on? Before I started to worry, she said that its the first assignment for us actually, and asked whether we wanted it to be taken as group work or individual work. Half of the class said group work, and another half said individual. So she went on and asked those who wanted it to be individual , to raise up their hands. Of course I raised, because I literally knew no one there, and getting an individual work might be a good start to me. Then the first three rows of the class got their hands up, but then the ones behind didn't raise at all. And they screamed,'' Hahaha, majority wins!!'' Jeez, those lazy bastards... ''So you guys do the assignment according to your lab groups.'' the lecturer said in conclusion. And for a moment when her eyes were on me, I looked back at her, with an expression that I had something to talk to her. She asked straight away, ''Are you the new student here, whose name is Peong... Peong Han Chuen ah?'' She pronounced my name inaccurately, but I raised my hand up to answer her question. Then she continued,'' So, you registered today?'' And I said,'' No, I was on MV for the last two weeks, actually..'' She asked for my MC letter, and I walked to the front to hand-in them to her. I asked about the assignment, since I don't have a group, and she wanted to ask the whole class that who was gonna take me in as their new group member, but she didnt do it. She casually told me to be seated and she would get to me later. She brought the group list and searched for any small groups, and finally she stuffed me into a 4-Chinese group. They called me to sit with them, and so I packed and went over. Before I walked past the first table, which had an empty seat there, the person beside the seat placed his hand on the chair, so that to signal me that I was not welcomed to sit beside him. Fine, I didn't intend to sit there, and I headed to my new group there. A guy asked for my name in Chinese, and I answered,'' Han Quan.'' They started to discuss stuffs and arrange the assignment jobs, excluding me, because they knew that I didn't know a single thing about the questions there. I asked,'' Is there anything that I can help? Although I don't know a single thing about the assignment, but I guess I can help typing.'' ''hmm... So after we discuss about the answers and collect all the informations from all our group members, we will hand the stuff to you, should be around thursday.'' I nodded in agreement, and was quite happy because I didn't have to be a freeloader to my group. Then, I consulted them about the books that I was supposed to have, what activities did they do during the last two weeks, and more of the basic stuffs around. So, the morning class ended without much of a trouble actually, and I walked to the Accomodation Office to borrow my hostel key because I left it in my room while I locked it. How careless of me. They showed me a record book, and I filled in the information necessary. My Student ID card was retained after I obtained the key. When I return the key, then they will gimme back my ID card. -.-'' Its not like I will steal the key from them or wwhat-so-ever, but I didn't blame them, because its part of the procedure. I went back my room, and rested on my bed until 2 p.m. I didn't have my lunch today. Then I packed things up and looked for the H214 room. H? I'd never been there before, and I SMS-ed my sister about the whereabouts of the room. She briefly described the location, but I still couldn't find it. Finally I rested at the Resource Centre, and met two of my group members there. I immediately talked to them, and followed them later on. It seemed that the evening class should be at R305 -.-'' But the timetable didn't write it there... Haihz, Luckily I didn't go to the wrong room, or else I would be treated as class skipper. Then the evening class was so-so; the lecturer talked about a bit of Physics, and gave us ''tutorial'' ( which means some sort of exercise that may be counted into the total result) later on. She distributed the papers that consisted of 32 questions, and I was like what the hell? I didn't learn a single thing and I was supposed to answer this thing and score at least 24 questions correct... Man, how am I going to do this..? Then we started doing, and I tried very hard, using my common sense, basic chemistry and physics knowledge, and the things that she'd taught just now to answer, and miraculously I got 8 wrong only, out of 32. I didn't touch the text books and I got only 8 wrong. The paper was quite a piece of cake, though... The lecturer walked past, and asked if I could answer the stuff and I said,' I guess so... I don't have the text books yet, though...'' She heard it wrong, and said'' Oh you had read the books already, issit..'' And I repeated,'' I don't have the textbooks yet, and can you tell me where to get them?'' She thought for a while, and told me to wait for her after the class. We chatted a little while we walked to her office, and I noticed that she was quite short, shorter than me. And I grabbed the opportunity to ask about things that I was not sure yet, such as,'' Is there anything that I should know? Like class replacements and stuff?'' She didn't answer me directly, and changed topics. She gave me the modules, and I asked about the Lab Manual she asked us to read before conducting experiment on Thursday. She told me to wait and went out for some photocopying. It seemed that she was starting to think of me as a nuisance, as I pretty well know that people that work in the office hate doing a single thing for too long. They will get exhausted and irritated at some point. Still, I waited and asked her about the taylor that makes Lab attire, I dont know what it calls, and she seemed confused at first, and then when I mentioned the taylor, she said I should see the program-coordinator again. I told her I went to see him already, and he asked me to see the taylor, without describing how to find that ''taylor'' and where. I thought she would know, but then she said that he was in charge of the taylor things...At that particular moment, I was dam pissed off... That program coordinator, he should have told me how to find the taylor and stuff since he was in charge of it, but come to think of it, I should have asked in the first place... I felt embarassed for a moment, and thanked her before I returned. I rested a while, and SMS-ed my sister to ask whether she could have dinner with me anot. After a while, she replied ''meet at canteen at 7 pm''. I waited, and went out.
When I reached there, it was not as crowded as I thought. I walked around to look for her, but she was not there yet. I sat down at the middle, and read my module, since the lecturer told me that the test will be held on this Thursday. Andm because I didn't take the first test while others did, she asked whether I could get it done together on the same day. Before I answered, she asked again, whether I have confidence to finish studying the test scope. I think I can... I said it without thinking too much. And she said, ok then. Before I knew it, it was a whooping 40-50 pages of stuff to read and study, and I had been cracking my head trying to chow down things as quick as possible so that I willn't flunk my test on thursday. But after a moment reading, I found out that most of it was quite basic actually, and I'd learnt them during form 4 and form 5. But still, theres stuff to memorise, and I guess I will get it done during the holiday at Wednesday. Finished reading the whole scope actually, without much memorising. Hope tomorrow's class will be normal like today's. Tomorrow's a maths day.