~ The Pathetic Me ~

Ahh, Monday. The day with only one class. Jonatha gave us his so-called ''tips'' which basically require us to read nearly everything in the book. Heck, what stuns me most today is when he shows his Engine slides. I was thinking that he might be teaching us about engines next semester! I dreamed everyday, wishing that I wouldn't have to deal with him next semester, after the infamous argument between us. Although the argument was settled, it didn't change the fact that I didn't like his way of teaching, which was equivalent to reading out the slides (copied directly from the book) and adding just a little information once in a blue moon. If he would teach us next sem, I foresaw a dim future. My license should be A&C which is airframe and engine, now with his teaching my C will be nowhere - -... After the class I bought a loaf of bread, and I thought of sharing it with 001, since I thought I couldn't finish it in time, before it expires. But then later in the evening I realised I could, because for my breakfast I'd had 4 pieces of it already.

Took my breakfast, watched a bit of D.I.E, and fell aslept till 1.30 pm. During sleep I had a really strange dream of myself driving a car without the appropriate license (I dont have one in reality anyway). I was driving the car thru the highway to K.L from my house, and I think I was heading to Giant to buy something I can't recall what. Later I seemed to be lost somewhere, and ended up parking the car at a shop street in a neighbourhood. Then I found myself at home again, around 3 pm without knowing how I came home - -. Later my mother came home and asked what the hell did I do with the car. I didn't know how to answer, but then as I wanted to go out to search for it, I looked outside and saw the car back again. My mom said she found it by chance, and got it back already. Also the dream didn't mention how she got it back, with both cars at once. THE END. Strange right? Thanks to this bizzarre dream I didn't get much sleep, I was like sub-conscious for about 1/2 of my sleeping time.

Later tried to study a bit before going out to swim. Yeh, exercising, kills fat! At around 4 I realised I forgot to bring my bigger swimming trunk after a big dig into my luggage and messing up everything inside. I ended up wearing the super small-sized one I used to wear 2 years ago, and it was so short... O well, guess I had no choice other than this, coz the public swimming trunks for rent were out of the question already. Went there and shoot, the weather turned bad so quickly, and I could see the thunder from far away. I got down the pool as fast as possible and started swimming. Its the first time I'd felt the pool water that cold in Nilai Springs. Managed to swim a few laps before the rain kicked in, wetting the ground and cleaning the air. It poured so heavily that the rain water sprayed far into the walkways. Fortunately the rain receded by a bit when the bus came, and that bloody bus driver didn't want to turn into the shade area where we were waiting at. So all of us had to run for the bus to avoid getting wet. As I returned to College, the scenery outside the bus was quite attractive. Had dinner right away after I got down from the bus, due to the rain I couldn't go back to my room, so we decided to have our dinner first while waiting for the rain to go.

Later at around 7.00pm + AP came over, and said Cyrus brought his gf over today, woot I was curious to see her too, how she looked like. Played the comp for some time before starting to study, then the electricity seemed to be faulty and intermittent, so I went up to AP's room to continue. We didn't talk at all, and I was able to concentrate for quite some time. Went back to my room moments later, and played the comp again before reading another small part of Structures... Then when I felt like sleeping I saw a chick near my room, outside. Seemed that she was waiting or looking for somebody, and immediately I know she's Cyrus' gf, 95%. But when I looked at her, she seemed afraid of me, and turned away, walking around near Cyrus' room. I took my toothbrush and headed to the toilet, buying me a chance to observe her. Hell I'm really curious. I like beautiful people and things, in a way of 欣赏, dont get me wrong here I'm not, and I will never touch my friend's gf. After I finish brushing, she's in Cyrus' room already. After I got back into my room, jealousy took over my feelings. How I wish I can have female friends. How I wish to have the taste of love. I felt so pathetic at that moment, how pathetic I am, tfk-ing in my room everyday, barricading and consoling myself in my own artificial world where nobody can hurt me, although after doing it I felt alone and empty again... How many times I told myself to get out from the current me, and to try making some female friends in college, but in the end I couldn't, going back to square one everyday. I'm not like Ben who can say, " hello, cutie" to someone he didn't even know without hesitation, in the public. I'm fully aware of my current problem now, and I do worry that I may not get married if worse comes to worst. But I alone cannot help myself, and I desperately needs help... Who can help me out there... No one really knows how wounded my heart is at this moment, and how the pain torturing me inside....