- WARNING! LONG POST AHEAD! -

PS: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. THE WRITER IS NOT LIABLE IN ANY WAY FROM THE DAMAGE, SHOCK, AWE AND/OR ANY OTHER PHYSICAL AND MENTAL DISTURBANCE CAUSED BY THE POST HE WROTE.

~ MY HALF-CONFESSION POST ~

So, first of all, komenasai for not posting again... I'd actually planned to post a summary about my chicken pox experience after I've fully recovered from it, but then I felt like writing it now, as I have a whole lot of things I want to say...... If you aren't interested in the my chicken pox experience, jut start reading from the Confession part down there, its the last part. Let it begin, then. ( I will try to describe as vividly as possible, but don't mind my language, grammar and vocabulary, as they may not be proper...)

So, starting with the first three days of my chicken pox experience...

CHICKEN POX DAY 1~

That day, I was dreadfully ill. I thought the fever would be gone soon, and I was not paying too much attention to it. Most of the time I was on my bed because the fever was wearing me out. But then, as the fever came and went incessantly, I began to notice that it would not be the normal fever experience for me. Yeh, indeed my hypothesis was right. No matter what sort of medicine I took, the fever just came and went by itself, instead of ordinary fever that one feels cold at the body but feels hot at the head. But then, after half day on bed, suddenly I felt refreshed. I was able to walk again, and I walked downstairs right away. That condition lasted for an hour only, though, and then I was struck by the illness again. I became weak and rested on the sofas. At night, I fell aslept like normal, but then I was woke by the alarm clock I accidentally set -.-'' (Yeh its lame) But I guess that was not the real reason I woke up. I felt the crazy heat all over my body, and I was wearing jackets, and a few blankets was on top of me. At that particular moment, I felt like I was boiled in a water-cooker. (and thats not a lie) I immediately removed my jacket and the blankets. So, that was the first time I'd experienced this ''new'' kind of fever. The most TORTURING fever I'd ever had in my life.

CHICKEN POX DAY 2 - 7 ~

Basically, when it went, I felt extremely cold and even at room temperature I need thick clothings and blankets. When it came, its like fever, but much worse that it. The heat was all focused on my head, despite me drinking 4 litres of water per day, the heat still prevailed and at times I thought my brain would be damaged by the insane heat -.-'' . The spots had shown up, and they were all over my body. I took a picture of it later, but its so gruesome that I didn't want to look at it for the second time. I asked my dad to bring me to the Clinic I went last time, because the heat was a bit over the line for me, and I'm too worried that my brain would be damaged. Sure, who wants to be a retard when he got a chance to prevent it... And so my father brought me there, although I knew that he was about to go for his work... My bad, but I'm very worried... Then he phoned his friend and cancelled their meeting( here i dont mean those meeting between managers, its just a meeting of friends - - lll) The doctor didn't really help much, just that he changed the medicine for me after seeing my ''unusual'' condition. His expression told me that my case was a bit worse than usual, and he immediately put me on a strong antibiotic of some sort to fight the chicken pox. Yeh, at the time, chicken pox was all over my face and my body already. He also gave me a pink lotion to apply on the spots, but it didn't prove to be useful, though. My grandma helped me to apply the lotion, but later on I didn't apply it anymore. Plain uselesss stuff. My mother showed some sort of gentleness that she had not been showing to me for a long time, and its quite wonderful... On the other hand, my grandma continued her bullying on me. She had no mercy for a patient, devil! Here's a scenario:

Peong's Theatre ( 1 ) ~~~
So, she made some Bali for me, and served it to me. At the moment, I was very weak, to the extent that I couldn't speak more than 4 words. I can't get myself up, and the heat was nearly killing me. So, she served the Bali and put a straw in it. I stretched my hand and wanted to get hold of the cup myself, as I knew that I still had the strength to do that, at the least of it. And you know what she did?! That devil acted like she was the know-it-all, and said I'm gonna spill it, and thus snatched it away from my hand. At that very moment, I was about to say,'' f*** off, who you think you are to judge my abilities?! Hello, its my body and I know exactly how far I can handle things!'' Of coz, I couldn't say that, I'm too weak for words...

~~~End of show ~~~

She is a pure show-off in my honest opinion. Always suggesting things like she is the pro or genius or someone equivalent to it. And she LOVES repeating questions. LOVES. For example, she asks, '' Do you want to eat?'' And I clearly replied, '' No.'' with a rather loud voice and she will surely say, '' You dont want to eat ah?'' Thats so annoying! To someone that worships efficiency, saying something TWICE is certainly UNFORGIVABLE. And it doesn't end there. After I answered ''no'' and she will continue asking things relevant to it, like... '' There's bread over there, and some rice in the fridge, if you wan I cook for you.'' Most of the time I didn't reply at all, let her enjoy her moment talking to thin air. And she still continues it,'' how about some noodles? '' Although her intention was good ( cooking for me, caring about my lunch) but its used in the wrong WAYYY!!! Goddam it No means No and she dont seem to know the meaning. I don't have the mood to eat and yet she keeps YAPPING! Urusai yo! And she knows I dont like to see her, yet she always pop out in front of me and ask questions. One more thing, she likes to take advantage of her status being an ''elder'' of the family. Thats why she acted like shes the super genius with tons of experience. (PS: To me intelligence should not be measured by age) If her intentions is up to no good, I won't be enduring all this. Ops, I've strayed too far from the Chicken Pox Issue, back to the topic, komenasai..

So, after that scene, I was really pissed off and I decided not to give a dam about her. But then, she brought me a wet towel which I was longing for... Of course I couldn't get it myself due to my illness and weakness, and she brought it to me and wiped my face for a bit. For that, I forgave her once, but when she wiped , she scratched one of my spot, so it resorted to bullying again. O yeh, I tried to bathe once, but that bath almost killed me as well.....

~BATHING WITH CHICKEN POX~
My skin became super sensitive to stimuli and the water from the shower was like rain of needles piercing my defenseless skin... But still, I endured it so that I could bathe, and I couldn't wash my hair properly coz touching my hair... PAINFul!!!@#!!! Bathing my body wasn't that bad physically, coz the body spots weren't that pain compared to the ones on my head. But then, its mental pain! My body, which doesn't has anything disgusting growing on it, now filled with spots. Gruesome spots. As my apply soap to my body, I was forced to touch those gruesome spots that transformed me into a bakemono(monster). Touching them... I felt tortured mentally becoz its sorta forcing me to take note of those things growing on my body. After I finished my bath, drying my body was also a problem. Most of the towels are not like cloth: they have little ''hair'' or what should i call it... No matter, those little hairs made the towel rough, and if I rub the towel against my body, I would make the spots burst and scars would be formed later... Waaa... torture... Ever since that, I didn't bathe for the rest of that week. Even though I knew it was filthy for not bathing, but I'd rather not bath myself than experiencing those hell feelings.

At night, I can't sleep well after knowing that my fever was unusual. The fever completely killed my sleeping time because as soon as I placed my head on the pillow, the heat got trapped there instantly and it did more discomfort to me, making me unable to sleep. And the spots were really giving me pain now, some of them were growing on my head. A slight touch of my hair would cause me a few bottles of pain. So, I've only slept for 3 hours per day during my one-week-ordeal, thanks to the chicken pox. And don't forget about a thing, those spots were ITCHY. Very ITCHY. After being tortured by the fever, I must control my desire to scratch the spots. The spots grew in my throat, too....... What a horrible spot for them to grow there. Shallowing my saliva caused pain in my throat, and I must get used to the pain in the mean time... So painful! For me who had lost his appetite towards food, drinking was the thing I did most of the time, but then after the spots gew in my throat, I couldn't express how bad it was when everything I shallowed hurt my throat. Suppressing my desire while being tortured by fever at the same time, truly living-hell. This condition lasted for around a week before it turned better. On top of that, due to my weakness, I couldn't get up and practice piano even my heart yearned for it. Everyday when I rested on the sofa, I looked at the piano in despair. ...

~AFTER THE 7-DAY-ORDEAL...~

Yeah, the fever's GONE! Cheers~ The most troublesome thing was the fever, and now that it was no more, I regained my strength and was able to walk around to help myself already. The spots was all over my body and face by the 7th day, and after that they began to dry up and fell off by themselves. Muahahah! I couldn't put those happy feelings of mine into words here... And then I was hoping to get back to the college after the seven days, but then the doctor discouraged me from doing so, becoz I'm still contageous -.-'' for a week more. Gosh, I wanted to go back to the college to settle things up, at least...Guess it can't be helped then. So for the following week I was bored to death, and I began downloading anime and watched them. The concept of Claymore was not bad, but the storyline sucked too much. I heard from Wei Yao that the manga series was far better than the anime. I may consider reading the manga, but then I decided to watch other anime before reading mangas eventually. Then I watched Ouran High School Host Club. At first I thought it was a very lame anime, but then after I watched a few more episodes, I began watching more and more of it, and it was getting nicer and nicer. To tell you the truth, I watched it once, and later on, for the second time, and found it equally appealing. Next, I watched Onegai! Sensei... but unfortunately, my internet was down, so I can't download and finish the series, though. Theres a few more anime in my watch-list, and theres no doubt that I will watch them, no matter what. In short, after the chicken pox week, my life was super boring and I only watched anime and played the piano, thats all.

~FRIENDS~

So, I talked to Chuen Wei, and chatted a bit yesterday( 18th Jan) . He liked the OST( Original Sound Track) of an anime he didn't watch. He sent me, and I listened a bit to it, but I didn't show much of an interest becoz its OST. Perhaps it is my enthusiasm towards music that makes me having my own way of interpretting music. To me, the definition of OST is... Its the music that should be heard AFTER watching the anime series. OST is the memento of the scene that uses the music, and its role is to let the listeners have a taste of the particular scene after they have watched the anime. Basically, its pointless to listen to OST without watching the anime. And, by watching first and listening later, I actually get a full picture of what the OST is trying to express, and I get to enjoy the OST at the fullest, becoz I truly understand the feeling its trying to give, and the tale its trying to tell. And I went too far trying to explain the term OST to him that he got pissed off -.- Again, its my enthusiasm. Then I asked him to help me download a PS 2 game and find for the emulator, I will pay him accordingly. But his response was not good, and I thought he was rejecting it already, then I said something that sounded very bad, I know... komenasai... After that he said its not that he dont want to help, and i explained everything and he said Yes alas. But then later on I began to worry, as the game was not that famous, and I worry the version that he downloaded may not have translated into english version, and that will be truly a WASTE -.- yadaa.... Lets jst hope that he will get a translated one.

Then I saw Sheng Shien online, ................ ( When I wanted to start writing this part, I was exhausted and fell aslept... Continuing at 20th Jan) I mustered my courage to ask him the question, although its quite unnecessary to ask something like this all of a sudden. So, I went on and asked him ''How much do you hate me?'' I thought that he was gonna answer me ''very much indeed'' but his answers at first was ''??'' and ''hm..'' Showed that he didn't thought of it before. Slightly relieved... Then I began telling the tale of our friendship story, ...... and hence stated the reason for me asking something like this. I certainly don't want our friendship to worsen in any way, by any means, becoz when one hates someone, the one being hated may offend the one hating him even without noticing it. Its some sort of prejudice, even trivial matters will increase the hatred. And so I hope the good memory of our friendship will not be taken over by hatred. Alas he didn't answer the question directly, but then I guess I got the answer already. He was not hating me a lot, at the least. Perhaps I was too sensitive and superstitious, becoz the time I said hi and nudged him in the MSN, his expression was mean. And so I presumed that he was hating me quite a lot already, and he said,'' just late reply oni ma, nonid nudge geh...'' that sentence clearly showed that he was pissed off -.-'' Back then he used to spam nudge and no one had any problems with it and I thought that nudging a little was definitely fine, adding the fact that I was quite excited to know that the swelling behind my head was actually something trivial. But then, I will still avoid too much contact with him anyways, he didn't give me the feeling when we both were in good friendship though. That fire was put out already, all that left was the cold and burnt firewood.

19th Jan 2008 ( Saturday)

The internet broke down, thanks to the stupid modem. For some reason it couldn't detect the internet line anymore. No internet, means no anime, and I'm nearly murdered by the wrath of boredom. Spent quite a lot of time playing piano, and went out with my mother to the bookshop for some photocopying and buying some maths books for her tuition. I went to take some passport pictures to complete the registration stuff at my college later on. At evening, she said that she had got herself infected by chicken pox too. Gosh, my bad for getting into contact with her too much, but usually I just lied down there at the sofa or close myself in my room... Maybe I spreaded it to her during the second week. Felt guilty for a moment, but come to think of it , I was also the victim!!! I was told that I should be infected during my visit to Genting Highlands. Meh, surely there's some baka people who brought their sons with chicken pox out. If I get to know who is the culprit I'm gonna slay him/her with extreme prejudice! For giving me something so torturing, thats UNFORGIVABLE.

~MY CONFESSION~

At night my mother couldn't go out for dinner with us because she was ill already. We went out to SS 19, and I took my pictures from the photography shop and went for dinner later. Unexpectedly, rain started to pour, and I was in charge of using the umbrella, to fetch my family members to the shop. After getting everyone there, I looked deep into the umbrella and contemplated for quite some time as we waited for an empty table. When I was young, I'd always played with the umbrella as it resembled a sword lolx... I'm sure that most of the kids like to play with umbrellas when they were young, too. But now, I see it as a tool for me to shelter my loved ones from the rain and sun. Holding it, I felt the responsibility to protect my loved ones from harm. O well, there's no merits for going so dramatic over an umbrella, right? Then we got our seats, and I saw the beautiful waitress there again. When I visited the restaurant last time, she was already there, and I thought that she might be the relative of the boss there, just helping them for fun, and would be back a week or two. Man, she was wearing a rather tight T shirt that showed her slim waist and supple globes -.-'' She was thin in general, and her skin was fair. Looking from her back, she had a long, wavy hair that appeared golden-ish when the lights shone on her. Beautiful... and when she smiled, with a twinge of shyness, that certainly took my heart away... Geez, I hate the feeling when I saw someone pretty. I felt that my heart was squeezed a bit, and breathing became difficult. I tried not to look at her, but my eyes kept returning to her mini-shirt. Very short, indeed, and it showed her well-shaped legs with her sexy back. Yeh, at least while waiting for the dishes to be served, I can enjoy viewing a pretty person. ( and don't get me wrong, I don't like her, and I'm purely admiring and enjoying myself looking at her beauty.

Out of a sudden, the issue troubling me appeared in my mind. I tried not to think about it, as it always had brought despair and hopelessness to me in a way. But then, the Fate Stay Night OST I was listening to brought the sentimental feel to me, and my brain started spinning and thinking by itself. Its the gender issue. (Shocked? Don't be, it had been in my mind since I was at Form 4...) I have always wish myself to be a girl, really. Becoz my nature doesn't suit the criteria to be a guy, at all. I'm more of the introvert, sensitive, shy type, and these are naturally a girl's traits. I like to wear different styles of clothings, and being a guy, the fashions a guy can wear is limited. And I don't like to be ''la-la'' in any way, by wearing those lame hats and stupid jeans with a chain or something dangling on it. Its certainly not my type. I'm also weak in strength, not good when it comes to quarelling becoz I will always be the weak one -.-'' Besides, being a guy means you must be manly and stuff, but I'm not manly in any way. I'm shy, and thus I can't make friends easily, not if they don't start a conversation with me first. Most of the time I get friends when they talk to me first. And due to my shyness, I certainly don't have the guts to express my love to the girl I cherish, if any. But if I am a girl, I can just sit back and wait for the guy to express, and there's not problem being shy, introvert, and silent all the time. Heck, and I guess I appear to be someone strong( here I mean mentally strong and stuff) to my friends, but I'm actually weak in the inside. Although I have been showing only my strong side to them, my weaker side always craves for someone who can understand me and fight alongside with me in the war of survival. I wanted someone to protect me and one that can give me security and the sense of safety. Furthermore, I hate rough actions that are supposed to be done by men. I don't say vulgar words much, becoz I'm more of the soft type. Inflicting pain upon others is something I hate to do alot. Got once my friend asked me to pinch him, but I couldn't do it. When I wanted to pinch, my heart called for a stop and I couldn't do it at the end. Amazing, right? For a guy to be so useless... I felt so pathetic. Then, as everyone knows, my communication skills are really bad, even in Chinese. Sometimes I just can't get the right word to say, and its far worse in English and BM. Being so bad in socialising skills made me look so awkward in the class, becoz I'm a guy, and I'm SUPPOSED to act like a guy. Jeez, a girl that talks little will not be treated as someone odd, they will classify her as it is her personality. But then if a guy doesn't talk, it will appear that he has some sort of mental illness, for example , Amar from our class...) Jeez... Most of the time, I'm classified as cute by the girls who don't know me. Coz when I see them, I'm quite shy and my face turns a bit red. And I smiled shyly, and thus giving them the first impression of ''cute''. Even I am ''cute'' in some way, I'm certainly not someone sissy. And I talk to everyone with words and true expression from the depths of my heart. Its my strength, and also my weakness at the same time. I tried not to, but it ended up the same all the time. I don't want to expose my feelings much, but talking to others always exposes it. So remember, I'm more of the soft type, so when I talk, I usually talk with a moderate volume, and my voice don't possess the traits that men's voice should possess. So I appear to be quite girlish when I talk softly, but then I don't intend to, its jut me being soft and thats all. At times I try to act manly, but it fails miserably everytime. If only I was a girl... this phrase always appear in my mind whenever I'm in a scene that I should act more manly but I couldn't.

If only I was a girl...

Final words... this whole piece of thing took me about 2 1/2 hours to write them down.